Sadly not much to report this week in my own personal world of ham radio. My Extra did finally become official with the FCC however I haven’t touched the radio at all for at least a week now. Too much personal stuff going on that kinda consumes me. I have something wrong with me I guess, I tend to be either all or nothing if you will. If there is anything in my mind that consumes it well I have 0 interest in anything else. Some people can do things to take their mind of off things but I can’t. In fact it works just the opposite for me. If I try to relax or walk or do anything others would do to try to “forget” or “escape” from reality it has the opposite affect on me. I tend to become hyper-focused and my mind becomes truly consumed by whatever it is.

This weirdness of mine and how my mind works is great for work. My ability to become consumed and hyper-focused is extremely beneficial for work as a network engineer and for studying and tests. The problem however is that other things then take a back a seat to whatever I am currently consumed with.

This is obviously why I’m not very personable and have only one true friend and of course family who have stuck with me over the years and put up with me. Friend and I are one in the same with how our minds work in this way so I think we both understand each other and instinctively know where the others mind is. Most family I don’t think really understands this and it does cause strain but I think since its family and they’ve spent a lifetime seeing and dealing with it they just accept it.

What’s really hard to deal with is acquaintances or friends of family. They just don’t get it. To these people I’m just an asshole. I can’t enjoy doing the things they do. To me it takes away from what I deem to be more important stuff, which could be completely trivial, but it’s what I’m consumed with so it’s what I want to do and where my mind is. I don’t like to drink like others do to escape reality, I don’t want to lose whatever it is in my head. I don’t want things to slip away from me. I don’t want to lose control if you will.

All of this is compounded by other personal problems. For instance being damn near completely deaf. I can’t stand noise as it just starts to consume my head. Noise for me due to the deafness can be multiple conversations going on at once, or a crowded room or place with lots of background noise. This just causes me to hear pure noise in my head with no ability to focus both on thoughts or other conversations. I feel completely out of control and isolated in those situations. You know all this stuff is going on around you but you just hear noise so you don’t really know what is going on. Then the hyper-focus really kicks into over drive as you try to make sense of everything going on without one of your senses. Your trying to read lips, hear what you can, focus on peoples facial and body expressions and just everything you can to try to fit in and be a part of what is going on but ultimately you fail and it becomes just like a brain overload. You start to shut down. This in turn makes other think your just an asshole or antisocial or something.

So why do I share these things? I don’t know. I guess I just wish others would realize and take into consideration these things. I’m tired of being made out to be this monster of a human being because I’m not exactly like others and dont enjoy the same things as others not because of others but because of me. Why do I have to be accepting of others and try to always be the one conforming to what is others “norm” but no one can seem to consider what things must be like for me and be considerate and understanding of that?

Venting I guess. Just a bunch of things all coming together and into play and it doesn’t seem to make a difference no matter how many times I share this verbally. So I thought maybe if I wrote it down for the world to see and not be ashamed or hide it or fake it maybe just maybe someone can understand.