Sadly not much to report this week in my own personal world of ham radio. My Extra did finally become official with the FCC however I haven’t touched the radio at all for at least a week now. Too much personal stuff going on that kinda consumes me. I have something wrong with me I guess, I tend to be either all or nothing if you will. If there is anything in my mind that consumes it well I have 0 interest in anything else. Some people can do things to take their mind of off things but I can’t. In fact it works just the opposite for me. If I try to relax or walk or do anything others would do to try to “forget” or “escape” from reality it has the opposite affect on me. I tend to become hyper-focused and my mind becomes truly consumed by whatever it is.
This weirdness of mine and how my mind works is great for work. My ability to become consumed and hyper-focused is extremely beneficial for work as a network engineer and for studying and tests. The problem however is that other things then take a back a seat to whatever I am currently consumed with.
This is obviously why I’m not very personable and have only one true friend and of course family who have stuck with me over the years and put up with me. Friend and I are one in the same with how our minds work in this way so I think we both understand each other and instinctively know where the others mind is. Most family I don’t think really understands this and it does cause strain but I think since its family and they’ve spent a lifetime seeing and dealing with it they just accept it.
What’s really hard to deal with is acquaintances or friends of family. They just don’t get it. To these people I’m just an asshole. I can’t enjoy doing the things they do. To me it takes away from what I deem to be more important stuff, which could be completely trivial, but it’s what I’m consumed with so it’s what I want to do and where my mind is. I don’t like to drink like others do to escape reality, I don’t want to lose whatever it is in my head. I don’t want things to slip away from me. I don’t want to lose control if you will.
All of this is compounded by other personal problems. For instance being damn near completely deaf. I can’t stand noise as it just starts to consume my head. Noise for me due to the deafness can be multiple conversations going on at once, or a crowded room or place with lots of background noise. This just causes me to hear pure noise in my head with no ability to focus both on thoughts or other conversations. I feel completely out of control and isolated in those situations. You know all this stuff is going on around you but you just hear noise so you don’t really know what is going on. Then the hyper-focus really kicks into over drive as you try to make sense of everything going on without one of your senses. Your trying to read lips, hear what you can, focus on peoples facial and body expressions and just everything you can to try to fit in and be a part of what is going on but ultimately you fail and it becomes just like a brain overload. You start to shut down. This in turn makes other think your just an asshole or antisocial or something.
So why do I share these things? I don’t know. I guess I just wish others would realize and take into consideration these things. I’m tired of being made out to be this monster of a human being because I’m not exactly like others and dont enjoy the same things as others not because of others but because of me. Why do I have to be accepting of others and try to always be the one conforming to what is others “norm” but no one can seem to consider what things must be like for me and be considerate and understanding of that?
Venting I guess. Just a bunch of things all coming together and into play and it doesn’t seem to make a difference no matter how many times I share this verbally. So I thought maybe if I wrote it down for the world to see and not be ashamed or hide it or fake it maybe just maybe someone can understand.
It's a two way street. If these people expect you to conform to what they like, then they need to conform to what you like… the problem is people are self centered, and when you get a lot of self centered people who like the same things then those outside of the circle are expected to change themselves to fit in the circle. I have something similar going on… I work so much, that the weekends, the times that I have nothing scheduled, I want to be my time, to do nothing or to do what ever I want. So, when things are planned without consulting me (by members of my family) then that throws me into Monkey Tilt… I feel your pain brother, I know what you're going through.
You know Todd it's not that I even expect or want people to conform, I simply want understanding and to not be treated like this horrible person because I cannot enjoy myself doing what it is they like doing.
I do try. I will on occasion try to go to a group function / dinner some where. Or I'll try to go to some festival or something out here. But things get so bad in my head that I shut down. It literally feels like brain is going to short circuit. So either I have to get out of there before it's too late or I am going to ruin things for people with my attitude and thus it reflects badly on me.
I'm pretty good one on one or in small quiet settings. When I don't have to stress my mind out trying to keep up with little things to stay a part of it all. In those more intimate settings I tend to do ok.
It's also why I think things can vary so greatly for me. If someone has experience with me in a particular setting one evening and its quiet and nice and I'm mentally handling it all well and then the next time they see me its in one of these loud noisy places out for dinner with multiple people and I'm not handling it very well then they just see this major shift in personality and think the worst.
I try to avoid large group dinners or get togethers, concerts, festivals, sporting events (even at someone's home) because these things all lead to a very noisy environment and very busy environment. It's sensory and brain overload for me.
I don't have a problem with people wanting to do this stuff, I get it, really I do. Go have fun. I understand. But please for the love of God also understand that I'm not being an ass and just trying to avoid people or take it personal. There is a legitimate reason why I need to avoid this scenarios. Why I need to peace and quiet to try in some small way to let my brain rest a bit.
My brain just doesn't stop. It doesn't rest. Ever. The stuff that goes through my head even when I'm sleeping is often focused on whatever is consuming me. A problem or project I'm working on at work. Something I am learning about. Or just the people I love. It's like a life chess game, my mind is trying to solve and think ahead many many moves for different people and scenarios or problems.
All of that and I haven't even thrown in the fact that I live in CONSTANT pain. We are't talking oh I have a head ache or oh I pulled this pain.. but pain that makes me just want to cry at times if I let myself feel sorry. Between the neck and muscular dystrophy issues my body just doesn't give me many moments of feeling good. That plays with the mind as well.
I do my best to be there for those who I love. I haven't given up on anyone, I haven't given up on working. I think there are a lot of people who would have given in already or shut themselves completely off.
It's just frustrating that despite all of this, and it's not meant to be a self pity post, that no one can seem to consider me in any of this. It's always about how I make them feel or this whole just "Dane's an antisocial asshole" that I hear over and over again. No one ever seems to understand or consider why things are this way and maybe there is more to it. Nope… I don't fulfill their status quo, their idea of what a normal person should do or how to behave so I'm just a prick.
Dane, I really do get what you are trying to communicate here, because I am so much like what you describe here. I can see you are in the midst of a great deal of turmoil and emotional pain. By sharing what you have here-and so articulately (if that is even a word
it has touched me from a completely different perspective, being as I'm a woman. I have read some other things you have posted here in your blog. You express yourself well.
Introducing myself-I have been a ham radio operator since Feb of 2007. I started out as KE7KWG, but later got my vanity call-which is my initials -W7RJW. I don't know what your beliefs are about prayer, but you will definitely be in mine as you move onward through your struggles. 73
I see a lot of similarities with myself when reading this Dane. I'm a nice guy and I'm definitely not a misanthrope, but unless it's one on one with one of the very few I'm close to, I much prefer people in small doses.
One of the problems I've run into all my life is that on first meeting someone I get along well with, I know that at some point they'll want to start hanging out a lot more and then the problems will begin – because I just don't need a lot of social contact to be content. Any more than the little I need and I have to work very hard at it. The only exception is my significant other with whom I spend quite a lot of time and always enjoy myself.
The majority in any society tend to define the norm, and as an extreme introvert, most folk just don't understand. Making it harder for others to understand me is that I'm not shy – just introverted, so I come across to many as extroverted!
Take heart Dane – I'm sure there are many just like you who feel equally misunderstood.
Dave
AA7EE